hadassah_child

I realised I made a bad choice to make yoga my first exercise goal, as I got a new tattoo in the centre of my back on Thursday and I'm just in too much pain to do the asanas properly. For the past few days I've been too busy to really feel bad about myself for doing not much physical activity, but tonight I was reading a book on meditation which I borrowed from the library. I've never properly learnt to meditate - tried, but never had the devotion to see it through. I think I just never had anybody to teach me, and didn't have much instruction apart from, "Just clear your mind". But this book is fantastic. I tried a small exercise where I attempted to focus on the inward goal (which was the goal to meditate itself) and you wouldn't believe the amount of thoughts that kept flying into my mind. It really is hard to clear your head! But this book made me feel a lot better by saying that the art of concentration is difficult, and not something to be conquered in days or weeks - which is precisely why it requires devotion. So I believe I shall make this my current physical goal - attempting each day to master the art of concentration is peaceful, good for the long term, and can't hurt my poor tender back. (Getting more added to it Thursday week - so I'll be in pain for a little while).

I haven't weighed myself lately as my period is coming and I just don't want to feel bad about myself. Also I keep forgetting to weigh myself first thing when I wake up, and getting a reading after I've already eaten a meal or two just isn't accurate. So no numbers for you as of yet.

The meat thing is going well though. Although it was my sister's birthday lunch today and my mother made ham and beef and chicken and...salad. Yep, all I could eat was salad. Oh and bread. I don't want to make life difficult for anybody, least of all Mum, but it would be nice if I could have something "meaty" too. Not that I want to eat actual meat but it wouldn't be too difficult for her to make me a small veggie lasagne, or roasted veggies, or even some salmon since I still eat fish. I made a comment that when it's my birthday I want Indian, and my sister said, "Mmm! Chicken tandoori!" and I said, "No, we're not having chicken". She said, "Why not?" and I replied, "Because I'm a vegetarian". She goes, "Well what are the rest of us going to eat?" I go, "Look at this, there's nothing special for ME to eat today and you don't hear me complaining". How passive agressive was that, lol. 

Anyway I am beginning the week of the "angers". The Pill that I'm on just doesn't seem to agree with my moods and the week before my period I go completely off the deep end. I'm not particularly bitchy but every. little. thing. INFURIATES me. But because I don't want to yell at the people around me I repress it all and then I'm the one who suffers. Yet why should they put up with me being horrible just coz my period's coming? Aaaargh. I've got to find a way to master these moods so if meditation and an improved diet doesn't help I may ask my gynecologist to put me on a different pill.

Things I'd like to do/stop doing:

Take up daily yoga
Take up daily walking
Eliminate all meat & increase pulses

Eliminate fish

Take up daily meditation (here's hoping I can find the time to do all this stuff daily...)

Eliminate caffeine

Eliminate dairy & eggs

Eliminate all refined sugar & refined wheat (ie white bread, rice, etc. Wholegrain wheat products are still ok for now as they don't seem to give me any problems)

Eliminate alcohol

Now those are my goals for now - new ones will come to mind as I think of them. I'm reading a lot of books on health at the moment so I'm sure I'll encounter new things here and there. I really don't want this to be a "OMG DIET I'M GONNA SOOOO DO THIS" journal as I did plenty of those when I was a teenager. This I'd like to use to very slowly but surely make changes for the better in my life. So in the interest of that - babysteps.  I think I shall aim for one activity thing and one diet thing at a time. When one is mastered, another thing is added. 

So for now: I will attempt to do yoga daily, and eliminate all meat & increase pulses. Usually I don't eat meat at all but when I do eat it it's in a very unhealthy form so I should avoid that. Also I do not get enough protein. I need more nuts and pulses in my life, so I should aim to do that.

 

I guess you could say I've had lots of ups and downs when it comes to looking after myself. As a child I ate badly and exercised little. As a teenager I struggled with bulimia and ran from starving myself and compulsively overexercising to binging and taking diet pills. I overcame that in my early twenties, became vegetarian and stopped drinking and smoking, then there was a period of my life where I was focused on caring for other people and so my own health got shunted down my list of responsiblities. I did eat rather well during that time and lost a lot of weight but it wasn't to last as I wasn't doing it for myself. When I finally returned to a circumstance where I could focus on myself again I decided it was party time, and went out drinking, smoking and getting high. I am quite sure I will probably continue with this "party time" phase for a few more years to be quite honest, but I don't smoke anymore, haven't gotten high since December, and get drunk rarer and rarer.

I'm a vegetarian who eats fish. But I ate a meat lover's pizza the other day. I swing from being totally off coffee and drinking soy milk, to fully getting into it, drinking too much caffeine and too much dairy. I do understand that everything in moderation is OK, and that a healthy psyche allows you to indulge on certain occasions. Not a meat eater, but feel like meat? No problem! Not a drinker but want a drink? Fine! All that is OK. My problem is I indulge too much. Instead of a nice fillet of beef I'll stuff myself til I can't move (not literally :) ). Instead of having one or two glasses of alcohol I get completely off my face. My body is suffering. Although I proclaim to lead a healthy lifestyle, I'm not healthy at all - I weigh 88 kilos, have issues with my reproductive system (PCOS), and have quite a few other issues which I won't go into here. And I proclaim to be active - I bellydance and like walking - I actually only do so a few times a week. Most of the time I just sit on my arse in front of the computer doing bugger all. 

(One would wonder why the internet lures me so. TBH, it annoys the shit out of me. The more I see on Facebook and Myspace of people I haven't hung out with in years, the more irritated I get. I started typing why I get irritated, but it got me irritated, so you see why the internet is probably a bad thing for me. I want to actually just drop off it for a while and see what happens. Of course I know that is impossible for me. Firstly, I want to keep this diary going. Secondly, if I log in to update this diary, I'll do goodness knows what else and end up spending hours online. I can try to be strong though. I'm rather sick of being constantly pissed off at the people I run into online, and I think I might need to put some distance between us in order to save the friendships). 

Anyway...so I do plan to change this. As I said I think I'm still in the party time phase of my life. But perhaps I can slowly but surely change? I want to say "grow up" but define grow up. And that implies that the fun stops. I don't want the fun to stop. I just want to stop feeling so shit all the time. So I guess babysteps. By the time I have to give up the huge things like alcohol or clubbing, maybe by that time I won't even want to do those things anymore and I will truly have grown out of this phase.