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I guess you could say I've had lots of ups and downs when it comes to looking after myself. As a child I ate badly and exercised little. As a teenager I struggled with bulimia and ran from starving myself and compulsively overexercising to binging and taking diet pills. I overcame that in my early twenties, became vegetarian and stopped drinking and smoking, then there was a period of my life where I was focused on caring for other people and so my own health got shunted down my list of responsiblities. I did eat rather well during that time and lost a lot of weight but it wasn't to last as I wasn't doing it for myself. When I finally returned to a circumstance where I could focus on myself again I decided it was party time, and went out drinking, smoking and getting high. I am quite sure I will probably continue with this "party time" phase for a few more years to be quite honest, but I don't smoke anymore, haven't gotten high since December, and get drunk rarer and rarer.

I'm a vegetarian who eats fish. But I ate a meat lover's pizza the other day. I swing from being totally off coffee and drinking soy milk, to fully getting into it, drinking too much caffeine and too much dairy. I do understand that everything in moderation is OK, and that a healthy psyche allows you to indulge on certain occasions. Not a meat eater, but feel like meat? No problem! Not a drinker but want a drink? Fine! All that is OK. My problem is I indulge too much. Instead of a nice fillet of beef I'll stuff myself til I can't move (not literally :) ). Instead of having one or two glasses of alcohol I get completely off my face. My body is suffering. Although I proclaim to lead a healthy lifestyle, I'm not healthy at all - I weigh 88 kilos, have issues with my reproductive system (PCOS), and have quite a few other issues which I won't go into here. And I proclaim to be active - I bellydance and like walking - I actually only do so a few times a week. Most of the time I just sit on my arse in front of the computer doing bugger all. 

(One would wonder why the internet lures me so. TBH, it annoys the shit out of me. The more I see on Facebook and Myspace of people I haven't hung out with in years, the more irritated I get. I started typing why I get irritated, but it got me irritated, so you see why the internet is probably a bad thing for me. I want to actually just drop off it for a while and see what happens. Of course I know that is impossible for me. Firstly, I want to keep this diary going. Secondly, if I log in to update this diary, I'll do goodness knows what else and end up spending hours online. I can try to be strong though. I'm rather sick of being constantly pissed off at the people I run into online, and I think I might need to put some distance between us in order to save the friendships). 

Anyway...so I do plan to change this. As I said I think I'm still in the party time phase of my life. But perhaps I can slowly but surely change? I want to say "grow up" but define grow up. And that implies that the fun stops. I don't want the fun to stop. I just want to stop feeling so shit all the time. So I guess babysteps. By the time I have to give up the huge things like alcohol or clubbing, maybe by that time I won't even want to do those things anymore and I will truly have grown out of this phase.

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March 2008

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